nadiera hashim

Hey Siri, play Senyum Gugur di Penghujung Doa… sebab hari ni hati rasa macam soft sangat.

Assalamualaikum, hi. Harini saya pergi ziarah kubur ayah, went there with Abang Haqim and Kak Sya. Kubur ayah sebenarnya dekat je, around 3.7 km dari rumah. Dekat kan? But somehow, it still feels far in a different way. Bukan selalu ada rezeki nak pergi setiap minggu. Nak ke sana kena lalu traffic light, kereta banyak, lori besar-besar… and I’m a scaredy cat. Mother pun sama, dua-dua penakut, so kalau nak pergi kena tunggu abang temankan. Independent… but not that independent 😔

Before this, saya ada bagitahu mother yang saya nak tanam pokok bunga dekat kubur ayah. Pokok lama semua dah mati, banyak sangat yang mati… maybe because no one really comes to water them every day. Kubur lama kan, sunyi sikit. Ada pun orang datang mesin rumput dua minggu sekali je, that’s all. So mother belikan pokok bunga melur versi kecil yang comel sangat, I like it. It felt like bringing a small piece of life to a place that holds so much silence. Tiga hari lepas terus set “appointment” dengan abang nak ziarah ayah hari ni. Yes, appointment… sebab abang saya punya busy kalah YB Kulim 🥲 Alhamdulillah, Allah izinkan kami ziarah hari ni.

Saya memang tak berapa gemar ziarah pagi raya sebab kerja dia banyak. Kena bersihkan kubur, cabut rumput mati, tanam pokok… semua tu makan masa dan berpeluh satu badan. Raya nanti better datang dengan hati ringan je, just to sit, make doa, and be present for a while. No rushing, no heavy work. Just… quiet love.

Masa tengah gali lubang untuk tanam pokok melur tu, saya sempat borak dengan ayah, “kenapa lah ayah meninggal awal sangat… kalau tak boleh je kebumi ayah dekat atas bukit taman rumah je.” Ayah meninggal bulan 7, tahun 2006. Masa tu taman rumah saya belum ada tanah perkuburan lagi, so siapa meninggal akan dikebumikan dekat Masjid Kulim atau Tanah Perkuburan Islam Sungai Ular, and yes… ayah dekat Sungai Ular. Not too far, but not as near as I wish he could be.

Dalam tengah kami bertiga “borak” dengan ayah, tiba-tiba terkeluar satu ayat yang buat kami tergelak kecil, “kalau ayah ada, mesti ayah boleh tolong marahkan anak-anak ayah yang lain… kami yang adik-adik ni asyik kena fitnah je…” It sounded funny, but also… a little bit painful. Entah ayah dengar ke tak, entah ayah kisah ke tak pasal hal dunia kami yang messy ni. But that’s how we cope, I think. Anak-anak yang dah tak ada mak ayah, kita bercakap je macam mereka masih ada. Like they’re still listening. Like if we talk long enough, maybe… just maybe… they’ll answer in a way only the heart can understand.

Ayah, doa kami tak pernah putus untuk ayah, every single day. In small whispers, in random moments, in between busy days… you are always there in our prayers.

Saya ni bukan jenis mudah menangis bila rindu ayah. Maybe sebab saya hilang ayah masa saya terlalu kecil, maybe betul orang kata masa akan ubatkan. But healing doesn’t mean forgetting, right? Sometimes… ada hari yang saya terlalu penat, terlalu down, and on those days I don’t need anything fancy. I just need a hug from a father I barely remember.

Luar nampak okay, boleh buat lawak bodoh, gelak kuat-kuat, act silly like nothing ever hurts. But deep down, there’s this quiet space that only you can fill. Saya rindu suara yang saya dah lupa macam mana bunyinya, rindu bau yang saya dah tak ingat, rindu wajah yang makin kabur dalam ingatan. And that scares me sometimes… the idea that memories can slowly fade, even when the love never does.

Kalau korek betul-betul dalam hati ni, rindu tu sebenarnya ada, banyak… cuma saya pandai sorok je. I carry it quietly. Softly. Like something fragile.

Ayah, I hope you’re okay there. I hope every zikir yang saya kirim sampai pada ayah, jadi teman ayah di sana. I hope you feel loved, even from a distance that I cannot cross yet. I hope ayah happy, maybe showing off dekat “kawan-kawan” di sana, “ni semua zikir ni anak bongsu aku bagi.” Silly kan… but it comforts me more than it should.

And maybe one day, when it’s finally my turn to go… I won’t feel so scared. Because I know, somewhere beyond this world, there’s a familiar soul waiting.

I hope one day, ayah, mama, saya dan adik-beradik semua boleh jumpa semula somewhere better, somewhere eternal. A place where nothing hurts, nothing is lost, and no one has to say goodbye ever again. Dekat syurga Allah, insyaAllah. Until then… I’ll keep sending love, in the only way I know how. Quietly, consistently, and with all my heart.

Al-Fatihah untuk ayah saya,
Hashim bin Mohamed Idris 🤍

Signing off with a full heart and teary eyes…
Some loves don’t end, they just learn how to live quietly in doa.
Nadiera Hashim
11:28 a.m
Kedah, Malaysia.

P/s: I found gambar ni lepas balik dari kubur tadi. Comel! Tapi sayang, gambar mama takda huhu.

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Assalamualaikum! Dah seminggu dah puasa. So far I really enjoy my puasa walaupun Kedah cuaca macam boleh goreng telur atas jalan raya. Baru-baru ni, ada satu ceramah dari Ustaz Wadi Anuar lalu dekat timeline TikTok saya. Tak tahu ceramah tarikh bila, maybe dah lama but baru saja lalu di timeline saya. Biasalah, bulan Ramadan ni alhamdulillah memang banyak free upgrade iman bila scroll TikTok, sekali scroll, dapat tazkirah. 😌

One of the ceramah, Ustaz mentioned yang doa anak kepada mak ayah especially yang dah meninggal dunia ni, bila kita langitkan, dia direct delivery sampai dekat mereka. Contohnya bila kita baca:

رَّبِّ اغْفِرْلِي وَلِوَالِدَيَّ وَارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيراً

"Ya Allah, Ampunilah dosaku dan dosa kedua orang tuaku.

Kasihanilah keduanya sebagaimana mereka mengasihi aku sewaktu masih kecil."

Kita baca untuk mak ayah pukul 6.30 pagi lepas Subuh, pukul 6.30 pagi tu jugalah doa tu sampai dekat mak ayah kita dalam kubur. No buffering, no pending, terus sampai 🥺 Ustaz kata, ada riwayat yang setiap kali anak baca doa ni untuk arwah parents, akan ada malaikat yang datang hantar “hadiah” (iaitu doa kita) kepada mak ayah dekat sana.

For a few seconds, I was like… wow. Betapa baiknya Allah. He's sooooo kind. Tak delay walau sesaat pun. Just a simple doa, a short one that takes only a few seconds to recite tapi boleh bagi ketenangan dekat mak ayah kita yang dah pergi. Can you imagine how happy they must feel bila dapat hadiah tu?

And it made me think about my arwah ayah. Now setiap kali lepas solat fardhu atau sunat, bila saya baca doa ni, I imagine ada “parcel” sampai untuk ayah dekat sana. Bukan dari Shopee, but from anak bongsu dia yang kadang-kadang ni pun still tengah belajar jadi better person. I hope setiap doa tu jadi peneman untuk ayah, tambah lapang kubur dia, tambah terang kubur dia, and remind him that he is still loved, still remembered, every single day.

Honestly, saya pun baru belajar, hafal dan start amalkan doa ni beberapa tahun lepas. Tak macam orang lain yang dah hafal dari tadika lagi. Rasanya ternampak dekat media sosial once, lepas tu terus commit hafal. Better late than never, kan? 🫣

Semoga Allah terima setiap doa kecil kita ni sebagai amal yang besar di sisi-Nya. Alhamdulillah for a religion that teaches us that even after death, love can still be delivered through doa. Moga Allah ampunkan dosa mak ayah kita, lapangkan kubur mereka, dan tempatkan mereka dalam kalangan orang yang beriman. Amin 🤍

Yang sedang makan moreh,

Nadiera Hashim

11.20 p.m

Kedah, Malaysia.

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Assalamualaikum and hi everyone! Selamat menyambut bulan Ramadan! Alhamdulillah, this year Allah has given me another chance to fast bersama mother. I’m genuinely excited for this Ramadan. Tak tahu kenapa, but in my heart, I’ve already made a firm intention to not miss tahajud throughout this month. Pssst… period saya datang early, so maybe I can complete a full month of fasting without any break hihi.

This Ramadan feels mostly the same. It’s still me, mother, and abang Hafiz. The same trio. But it’s okay. I hope even when I grow older, I can continue fasting with mother and abang. Growing up, the lively chaos of sahur has faded. Dulu, I could hear the clattering of mother preparing food for sahur while abang-abang lain sibuk kejut everyone to wake up. Now, mother cooks sahur meals at night, by 9 pm everything is ready so mornings are calmer. She’s getting older, probably more tired. And we don’t need to make noise to wake up. Everyone can get up on their own. Not in the mood to eat? Just drink water and have some Nestum.

I can’t help but smile remembering the old days though, when sahur was full of chaos. Abang-abang running around shouting “bangun, bangun!” while mother yelled back “jangan lambat bangun, nanti tak sempat sahur!” 😆 Sometimes everyone was so sleepy we’d spill water or tertumpahkan sambal ikan bilis atas meja. It was noisy, messy, but somehow full of laughter. Now it’s calm, peaceful, maybe too quiet sometimes but I guess that’s part of growing up.

Even so, I feel so blessed to still have family to share sahur and buka puasa with. Some of my friends and even strangers break their fast alone without anyone to accompany them. I pray they don’t feel too lonely or sad during this Ramadan.

Ramadan always reminds me of the little things we sometimes take for granted like the smell of mother’s cooking, the sound of the adhan in the morning, or even just sitting together at the table eating dates and drinking water for iftar. There’s a simple kind of happiness in these moments. It’s peaceful yet full of gratitude.

Semoga Ramadan ini membawa keberkatan dalam hidup kita semua. May we gather as much amal kebaikan as possible and make the most out of this holy month. Let’s cherish every sahur, every buka puasa, every prayer, and every quiet moment. Salam Ramadan 2026! 🌙✨

Stay blessed, stay full of faith,

Nadiera Hashim

4.45 a.m

Kedah, Malaysia.

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Assalamualaikum, hi. This story is about how one cup of free Milo traumatised me for life. If you think childhood trauma must involve bullying or family issues, no. Mine involved a lori Milo and a lying Bahasa Melayu teacher. I think I was in Darjah 5 or 6, honestly I don’t remember. My memory card masa tu very limited storage. But one thing I will never forget, the day lori Milo datang sekolah.

Lori Milo datang sekolah is like Hari Raya for students. Free Milo weh. Even if only one cup, it still taste like kemenangan. Until today, I still cannot understand why Milo from lori Milo always taste better than Milo bancuh sendiri at home. Same powder, same water, but different level of happiness.

Milo is everyone’s favourite. Me too. Pergi mana-mana mesti order Milo ais. Kalau rasa kaya sikit, order Milo dinosaur. Kalau rasa miskin sikit, order Milo panas and pretend it’s fine. So back to the story.

That day, lori Milo datang sekolah masa subjek Bahasa Melayu. I don’t remember the teacher’s name. She was already old, not cikgu muda with glowing skin and Pinterest vibes. This cikgu liked to cerita random things. Suddenly, she started cerita pasal Milo ada cacing.

Yes. Cacing.

She said her daughter was studying something about food science. Her daughter went to Milo factory, did experiment on Milo powder, and found out Milo powder got worms. While she was telling this horror story, I could see students outside already lining up to get Milo. Some even ambil second cup. Third cup maybe.

Then cikgu ended her story with:

“Eeee… hampa nak pi minum jugak ka…”

With that disgusted face like we were about to drink ayaq longkang. Me and my classmates? Too young. Too innocent. Too bodoh. We believed her 100%. Almost the whole class stayed seated. Including me. Only two or three brave students went to get Milo. Now when I think back, I realise…

Cikgu kami bukan warning.

Cikgu kami membongak.

I swear, mesti after class ended, she probably went to drink Milo too. Maybe even Milo dinosaur.

Now every time I see lori Milo, I feel sedikit ada beef with that cikgu. What made it worse is back then, Milo was such a luxury drink for me. My family tak kaya. Milo was not daily drink. It was special drink. So when lori Milo datang sekolah, students like me really felt the happiness. It was not just Milo. It was moment.

So when I realised years later that her story was fake, I felt cheated emotionally. Spiritually. Milo-ly. Back then, so many stupid food rumours. Not only Milo ada cacing. People said sardine sauce used katak as thickener. I used to geli nak makan sambal sardine. All because teachers and classmates liked to add horror flavour into food stories.

Now we are older. Dunia dah maju. Internet dekat tangan. No one can fool us with “my friend’s cousin’s lecturer's grandfather said…” stories anymore. I have my own money. I can buy Milo anytime I want. Milo ais, Milo dinosaur, Milo peng, Milo with extra Milo, Milo with no shame. No one can scare me with stories about worms, frogs, or secret factory experiments anymore. I have Google now. I have common sense. I have trauma immunity.

But sometimes, when I hold my Milo cup, I still think about that small version of me. Sitting quietly in class. Being obedient. Being stupid in a very innocent way. Believing every adult like they were Wikipedia. And honestly… that kid was cute. She didn’t drink Milo that day, but she learned something more important:

Not all cikgu are right.

Not all rumours are true.

And free Milo is very precious. Now when I see kids lining up for free drinks at school events, I smile like an aunty. In my heart I whisper:

“Pergi ambil. Jangan percaya sesiapa. Hidup ni singkat.”

Forever judging that cikgu silently,

Nadiera Hashim

8:30 pm

Kedah, Malaysia.

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Assalamualaikum, hi. These past few months, I’ve been spending almost all my time with my mother. Like… literally every day. My days revolve around her. She takes care of me, feeds me, hugs me every day to fix my mood, listens to the same stories I repeat over and over again. Sometimes we talk about current issues, sometimes about random things, and sometimes about those weird AI cat videos on TiokTok that don’t make sense but somehow still make us laugh. Hidup kami simple. Quiet. Repetitive. But there’s a warmth in it that I didn’t realise I needed this much.

Lately, I started noticing things I wish I didn’t notice so clearly. My mother is getting older. And somehow, time feels cruel. Like… could you slow down a bit? Tak payah la lari laju sangat. Where are you rushing to? I still want to enjoy my life with her. Please, just give us a little more time.

My mother is 61 this year. Saying that number out loud makes my chest feel heavy. Sixty-one. Can she stop aging? I know it sounds childish. I understand, we are all just a pinjaman from Allah. Even our bodies don’t fully belong to us. Everything will be returned when the time comes. Tapi walaupun faham, hati tetap degil. I truly can’t imagine my life without my mother.

I can’t cook like her. I’ve tried. Many times. Berkali-kali. But my sambal never tastes like hers. Even when I follow recipes, even when I convince myself it’s “okay lah,” it’s still not mother’s sambal. And don’t even get me started on her pekasam goreng. She could fry plain food and somehow turn it into comfort. That kind of skill feels illegal.

I’ve also noticed her hair turning grey, slowly but surely. Her hands look older now. Even her nails. Maybe because she’s been cooking and cleaning her whole life. My mother was never a career woman. She didn’t work in a fancy office job, didn’t wear formal clothes every day. But she is incredibly good at cooking and managing a home. That was her world. And now that she’s older, her strength isn’t the same anymore. When I see her pause while cleaning, resting for a moment, my heart sinks. Sedih yang senyap. Sedih yang tak tahu nak cakap apa.

I often pray, “Ya Allah, please give me time. Jangan ambil mother dulu.” At least wait until I become something. Until I can give her what she wants. I want to take her to the beach. I want to bring her jalan-jalan, let her enjoy life a little. But I don’t have that kind of rezeki yet. And when I think about that, I feel like a loser. Orang lain dah boleh balas jasa mak mereka. And here I am, still struggling, still waking up every day just to convince myself to keep living.

My mother might not be as impressive on paper as other mothers. She doesn’t have a degree. She didn’t have a career. She was born into a difficult family. She was the oldest among her siblings. When she was little, my opah stopped her from going to school. My mother only went to school until darjah dua and didn’t even finish it. She learned how to read, write, and count using her younger siblings’ schoolbooks. Dunia dia memang tak adil.

While her siblings got to go to school and chase their dreams, my mother was forced to grow up early. She had to help take care of everyone else. Her childhood, I believe, was full of quiet sadness. When she told me how my opah once tied her to a tree full of kerengga because a neighbour said she was a bad child, I felt angry. Not loud anger, just a deep, burning angry. Angry at the world. Angry at how cruel adults can be to a small girl.

When she became a teenager, she was married off. Very young. Too young. She married my father. My father was a good father to me, but I don’t think he was a good husband to her. He wasn’t toxic...just… lacking. There were things that hurt in small, quiet ways. Like how he never brought my mother and us to his workplace family days. Maybe he was embarrassed. We weren’t rich. Back then, sometimes we had enough to eat, sometimes we didn’t.

But despite everything, my mother is still the most wonderful woman I know. That little girl who only went to school until darjah dua managed to raise seven children after her husband passed away. That same woman gave birth to me who managed to graduate with a first-class degree. How incredible is that? And yes, she can cook. Which honestly deserves at least 1000 extra marks in life.

I have a small habit, maybe a secret. I often talk to Allah quietly in my mind. Just short conversations. I tell Him, “If time could be reversed, Ya Allah, I wish my mother was born into a kinder family.” I wish she had a kind mother who let her finish school. I wish she could enjoy her childhood. Continue studying. Get a degree. Maybe even a master’s or a PhD. I wish she had the office job she once dreamed of. I wish she married a good man who lived long and made her happy. I wish she could travel, naik kapal terbang, see the world.

Even if all of that had to be paid with my absence, even if it meant I was never born. I wouldn’t mind. As long as my mother was happy. As long as she wasn’t so wounded by this heavy world. So Ya Allah, please listen to my everyday doa. If You can’t change the past, then please give me a future where I can make her happy.

And if I may add one more wish, I wish I can be a kind daughter to my mother. Not just a “successful” one, but a gentle one. One who is patient when she repeats the same stories. One who doesn’t raise her voice. One who notices when she’s tired. One who chooses her mother, again and again, even on days when life feels unbearable.

Ya Allah, panjangkan umur mother dalam kesihatan yang baik. Lindungi mother dari sakit yang berat, dari sedih yang lama. Gantikan setiap penat mother dengan pahala yang tak putus. And when the time comes, when this precious pinjaman must be returned, place her in the most beautiful heaven. A place where she can finally rest. Smile. Breathe without worry.

Because if anyone deserves a gentle ending after a hard life, it is my mother.

Written with love, and a lot of prayers,

Nadiera Hashim

11:23 pm

Kedah, Malaysia.

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Assalamualaikum, hi. Okay, it’s time. Time to post the last blogpost for this year. To be very honest, I don’t have many achievements to flex about this year.

Just two, actually:

Tak bunuh diri.
Tak bunuh orang.

Pat pat pat myself. I deserve a medal. Maybe a cake. Or at least a gold star sticker from the universe. I survived. Honestly, I don’t even know what people usually write for an end‑of‑year post. Do people do yearly reviews? Do they list achievements? Do they pretend this year was amazing? Because if I start reviewing everything bad that happened to me this year, nanti rasa macam nak rebah pula.

Too heavy. Too depressing. Not today.

So I decided not to do that. Instead of forcing myself to write about semua benda buruk, I chose to write about the small good things. The quiet moments. The lessons that didn’t come with fireworks, but still mattered. Maybe this blogpost won’t sound like a “wow what a year” kind of post. But it’s honest. And honestly, that’s good enough for me. So yeah. welcome to my last blogpost of the year. No highlight reel. Just survival, reflection, and a bit of humor so I don’t cry halfway through writing it. Let’s go.

They left paw prints on my heart 🐾🐈‍⬛🐈

Awal-awal lagi dah sedih dah ni. By the way, Boba and Cengkih left me. Too early, both of them gone from this world. I always feel like I didn’t give them enough in life. But I believe, the two years I took care of them, they were more than happy. Takkan tak happy kot? Both of them chubby and perut boroi-boroi!

It’s been 11 months without Boba & Cengkih in my life. But me and mother still always talk about them. Kadang-kadang, on random days, salah seorang dari kami akan share pictures of Boba & Cengkih. I miss them so much! They were our daily companions—sleeping buddies, makan buddies, even toilet buddies. Seriously, I am scared of cockroaches, so before I enter the toilet, Boba & Cengkih had to check first. Selamat ke tak untuk kakak, kan?

It took me almost a year to throw away all their medicine. Semua personal stuff I kept for them, slowly I let go, one by one. Some already expired, some cannot be used anymore. Tapi their name tags? I always carry them wherever I go. A small thing, tapi makes me feel dekat dengan depa.

It’s really not easy to go one day without thinking about Boba & Cengkih. Sometimes my fingers scroll the gallery, watching their videos and looking at pictures. Every night, I cry. I miss them so much. I always tell myself: “Be good. Do good. Maybe one day I can enter heaven and see Boba & Cengkih again.”

Ustaz said cats don’t enter heaven. They become dust. Maybe sebab perangai depa dekat dunia ni macam setan kot? But once I enter heaven, I want Boba & Cengkih there with me. Just imagining it makes me feel a little comforted.

The same words I always repeat when I remember them:

"Thank you tau for being my companion, and I’m sorry I couldn’t save you from parvo. Kakak & mother love you so much."

I hope they know how much they were loved. And I really hope they forgive me.

Even though they’re gone, memories of Boba & Cengkih stay with me, how they fought over the same spot on the bed, how they chased shadows at midnight, or how Cengkih always knead cookies on my head, and how Boba always peed on my bed just because I didn't refill his kibbles. Life feels emptier without them, but loving them was worth every moment.

Orang baik datang sekejap, tapi tinggal lama di hati 🕊️

During last Ramadan, I realized I met ramai orang baik. One of them was this pakcik. Orang kampung panggil dia Pak Nan. We didn’t know each other for long, just kenal sekejap, but somehow terasa dekat.

Pak Nan always stopped by the shop to buy drinks for buka puasa. Sometimes he stopped at the mosque to get bubur lambuk, and every time he passed by our shop, he would give me one pack of bubur lambuk. Tak pernah miss.

One time, Pak Nan said,

“Pak Nan kenai hang lambat. Kalau Pak Nan kenai hang dulu, Pak Nan bagi hang kawin dengan anak Pak Nan.”

Caittt… bagi harapan kejap 😭 But oh well, the chance already passed.

He was too kind, sampai kadang rasa macam ada bapak sendiri. By the way, Pak Nan ni bekas tentera, tak sure darat ke udara, but people said he’s a retired soldier. He looked fierce, but his fatherly nature made an orphan like me terus cair. Maybe sebab rindu kasih sayang ayah.

Throughout the fasting month, there was always something he treated me to. Laichikang, Milo ais, corndog, kuih muih, macam-macam. Simple things, but they meant a lot. Bersyukur sangat dapat jumpa orang baik macam ni.

When I think about it again… even though this year felt very heavy, kepala otak penat and hati pun letih, Allah still kirimkan orang-orang baik along this thorny journey. And it reminds me , jadilah orang baik. Be kind to anyone, even random people. We never know apa dugaan hidup others are going through.

At least, our small kindness might make someone feel appreciated, walaupun secubit je 🤍

I yap, she listens 💬🗨️

This year, I’m not even sure berapa kali I met Najihah. Usually, based on previous years record, kami jumpa maybe two to three times a year je. But this year, rasa macam lebih dari tiga kali we actually hang out together.

I’m 100% sure this year I did yapping alot bila dengan Najihah. From kerja stories, relationship stories (yang tak pernah jadi), sampai cerita peribadi semua keluar. I’m really grateful to have Najihah. I don’t even know macam mana dia boleh tahan dengan perangai aku. Thank you, Ji. Please jangan serik kawan dengan aku 🙏

One thing both of us can really relate this year is :

bila nak dapat jodoh ni sebenarnya, ya Allah?

It’s kinda funny how both of us tried using dating apps, hoping to find jodoh, but ended up annoyed gila with the guys there. Ya Allah… semua red flag 🚩Ada lelaki yang out of nowhere minta gambar selfie, padahal belum tanya umur berapa lagi. Yuck, tak suka. Tak sampai seminggu pun, both of us already delete account. Swipe sikit-sikit je terus: dislike, dislike, dislike.

Hopefully, in these remaining 3 years before turning 30, both of us will finally meet a good jodoh — bukan yang bagi headache, tapi yang bagi duit dan kebahagian😌

Uncle Neoh 👲🏻👻

I never told anyone this story about this uncle cina before. Long story short, saya kenal dia because he was a friend of my late brother-in-law. Lepas abang ipar saya meninggal, I helped my late brother-in-law's wife jaga her small café. Dekat situ lah I first met this uncle.

His name was Neoh Thuarn something… honestly I don’t remember his full name sebab nama dia tak macam Chinese name biasa. But yes, he was Malaysian. Uncle ni baik gila. Kalau kami sibuk dekat kedai sampai tak sempat breakfast, he will always buy food for us. Kadang-kadang dia datang kedai just to ask,

“Lu orang mau makan apa hari ni? Saya belanja. Pizza mau?”

Like… terlalu baik sampai rasa suspicious sikit 😭

Kadang-kadang dia datang bawa makanan entah dari mana dia beli. So yeah, a bit suspicious lah. Ye lah, kalau main bedal je, halal haram pun entah 😭 Tapi overall, uncle ni memang baik. Durian, rambutan, manggis, mata kucing, apam balik, KFC, Pizza Hut, udang frozen — semua dia pernah belanja. Serious, apa saja lah yang dia tak bagi makan.

Then one day, uncle suddenly disappeared. Banyak hari dia tak datang kedai. I thought maybe dia merajuk sebab ada satu hari tu I tak sempat layan him sebab busy kerja. Dia tak datang sampai lepas Hari Raya.

One night, I got a WhatsApp call. But masa tu I tengah kemas rumah, phone tinggal cas dalam bilik, silent mode pulak tu. Lepas siap mandi semua, terus nak tidur. Last-last check phone, baru nampak Uncle Neoh call. Tapi dah pukul 11 malam, and I was super tired. So I thought,

“Esok pagi lah call balik.”

Next morning, I pergi kerja macam biasa. Kedai sibuk gila sampai lupa terus nak call. Bila dah slow sikit, around 8 pagi lebih, baru lah I call him back.

WhatsApp call — tak dapat.

So I call guna credit biasa.

Someone picked up… but it was a woman.

Conversation macam ni:

Me: Hello, Uncle Neoh ada?
X person: Hello, who is this?
Me: Saya kawan Uncle Neoh. Dia selalu datang kedai. Semalam uncle ada call saya. Uncle okay?
X person: Oh… uncle takda. Uncle pergi jalan-jalan.
Me: Oh okay. Nanti saya call balik. Thank you.

At that time I was like… okay pelik sikit, but never mind.

BUT WAIT.

About 15 minutes later, a Chinese customer datang. This uncle selalu datang dengan wife dia minum kopi. While I was making coffee, tiba-tiba uncle ni sembang dengan saya.

Uncle Cina: Eh, itu cina tua yang selalu tolong you… lama takda ah?
Me: Haah uncle. Lama dah dia tak datang. Tapi semalam dia ada call saya.
Uncle Cina: Itu cina tua sudah lama takda lor.
Me: Takda???
Uncle Cina: Ya lor. Sudah lama mampui.
Me: Aikkk uncle jangan main-main la. Baru tadi saya call, adik dia cakap dia pergi jalan-jalan.
Uncle Cina: Mana ada… dalam WhatsApp sudah banyak orang share gambar dia.

BRO.

I was TERKEDU. Like system crash. One whole body meremang.

If Uncle Neoh already meninggal…

⁉️ SIAPA YANG CALL AKU MALAM TU??

⁉️DAN KENAPA PULA ANGKAT CALL CAKAP “UNCLE PERGI JALAN-JALAN”??

Jalan-jalan ke mana weh 😭

Lepas tu I tried calling the number again. Phone already off.

After that day, other Chinese customer datang, semua cakap benda yang sama. Siap tunjuk WhatsApp group community Cina lagi. Uncle Neoh died few weeks after raya puasa which was on April . So who the hell called me on June?

I mean… kalau family salah call, kenapa call nombor aku??

Anddddd lepas je tahu cerita sebenar, I started seeing kelip-kelip masuk bilik at night.

Orang tua-tua cakap,
kalau kelip-kelip masuk rumah…
itu kuku cina mati 👻
(Please don't ask me orang tua mana yang cakap macam tu....)

Till today I still don’t know…
was Uncle Neoh just very kind…
or very rajin check on people from the other side 😭💀

My mother, my tempat pulang 🌻

My mother has always been my tempat pulang. No matter how jauh I run, no matter how broken I become, I always end up coming back to her. Lately, I notice something that makes my chest feel tight. Sometimes when mother tengah masak, I just stand there and look at her hair. Dulu hitam. Sekarang penuh uban.

It makes me sad.

Why are you growing old so fast, mother?

Can’t you slow down?

Can’t time be kinder to you?

I don’t even know how to live my life if one day you’re not here anymore. The world already feels too loud, too harsh and you are the only place that still feels safe. The first six months of this year, I was cold towards you. Mother told me later, she noticed. She said I was so close with my sister back then, sampai kadang-kadang I ignored her.

I regret it.

Sangat, sangat menyesal.

I chose to be close with someone who literally stabbed me from behind. Depan mother, dia mengata saya. Depan saya, dia mengata mother. Such a snake, hiding behind a familiar face.

Last July was the last time I stayed with her. I thought helping her was the right thing to do. If you read my previous blogpost I have wrote about my sister pindah rumah. I followed her, lived together for one month, just to help at the shop. But I couldn’t tahan anymore. Mother knows how long I tried. How much I endured. I helped with everything, without asking for anything in return. Even mother eventually couldn’t stand her behavior. Mother stopped helping her make nasi lemak every day.

So yes, I left.

And I came back home.

I pulang ke mother semula.

The last six months of this year were not easy at all. Mental breakdown after mental breakdown. Imagine helping someone sincerely, being there for them at their lowest point, only to be betrayed, talked about, stories twisted. That broke me. And when I was falling, mother was there.

Every single day.

Hari-hari mother peluk saya.

Hari-hari mother whisper,

“Takpe ayang, Allah ada.”

Mother held me when the world felt too heavy to carry. She stayed, even when I had tantrums. Even when I cried for no reason. Even when I was difficult to love. Mother healed me, slowly. Pelan-pelan. She tried so hard for me. She carried my pain silently, without ever complaining.

Now I look at her again. Older, more tired, but still loving me the same way. I just hope I’m not too late to repay her love. I feel frustrated because I’m still nothing. Still trying. Still struggling.

Ya Allah, panjangkanlah umur mother.

Lebihkan umurnya daripada umurku.

Kurniakan kesihatan yang baik untuknya.

Lindungilah dia setiap masa, dan berkati hidupnya.

I hope there is a special syurga just for mothers like her. I love you, mother. And selfishly, I hope I die first because I don’t think I can survive in a world this hard without your prayers. She is my doa, my home, and my tempat pulang 🤍

Choosing peace, not chaos 🌳

This year, I did butterfly hug therapy so many times I think my arms are permanently shaped like an X. It’s such a simple thing , just cross your arms, hug yourself. Tapi somehow it saved me from nights that felt endless. Sometimes I looked at myself doing it and thought, wow kesian juga aku ni. Kesian dekat diri sendiri. And for once, I didn’t run away. I hugged myself harder and whispered, you got this, maybe. Very cinematic, very main character vibes.

At some point, I had a serious chat with myself.

Cukuplah bantu orang lain.

This time, bantu diri sendiri pula.

Focus on yourself, please. Seriously.

Honestly, if AI could track how many times I wished to end my life this year, I think the system itself would crash. There was a point where ending my life seemed easier than living in this cursed simulation. Like… subscription to life feels very expensive this year. Penat. Sumpah penat. Even now, writing this, I’m like… world, boleh lah kot chill sikit.

But here’s the plot twist. Ending myself was actually… hard. Who knew, right? Maybe sebab ada secebis iman dalam hati. Or maybe sebab I’m scared of the big unknown. Or maybe sebab I remembered that my cat would judge me in the afterlife. I honestly don’t know. All I know is… I stayed. Bare minimum survival mode activated ✔️

I overthink. Like… Olympic-level overthinker. Sometimes it’s just one thought. ONE. And suddenly my brain calls a meeting, invites every worst-case scenario ever, thinking panjang lebar sampai takut, cemas, confidence slowly exits the chat. I hate that part of myself. But I’m learning not to roast myself for it… too much.

Last week, I read about stoicism. Yes, me, suddenly philosopher vibes. I’m tired of fighting everything. Tired of reacting to every word, every memory, every betrayal, macam dunia ni rasa penting sangat. Stoicism told me something I desperately needed to hear not everything deserves your energy. Some things deserve silence. Some deserve distance. Some deserve to be left on read.

There are things I can control:

my thoughts, my actions, my response.

And things I cannot control:

people’s nonsense, their words, their choices,

and their audacity.

Stoicism doesn’t promise an easy life. Sad but true. It just teaches a calmer way to carry a hard one. I don’t want to be emotionless. I just don’t want my emotions to hijack me like a bad TikTok trend. Next year, I want to live more inward than outward. Berhenti sekejap before reacting. Pause. Breathe. Ask myself, Is this within my control, or should I just let it go and scroll webtoon?

When my mind starts overthinking, I want to ground myself in the present: apa yang aku nampak, apa yang aku rasa, apa yang nyata sekarang. Not the disaster my brain is already writing a Netflix series about.

I want to accept that pain will come. But suffering doesn’t need a permanent residency permit. I want to stop explaining myself to people who are fully committed to misunderstanding me. Like, I don’t have time for your nonsense. Penat weh explain, hang bukan nak dengar punnnn.

I want to practice gratitude, not because life is perfect, but because somehow, against all logic, I’m still here. Most importantly, I want to be kinder to myself. Less judgment. More discipline.

Quiet strength, instead of loud chaotic survival.

Still broken? Yes.

Still overthinking? Of course.

Still alive? Somehow.

And honestly… that’s enough for now.

🕊️🐻‍❄️☁️🌱

This year, I am still broken. Some wounds masih clingy, some pain refused to leave like bad guests. But somehow, Allah still decided, okay, Nadiera, let’s give you some good people. Orang-orang baik yang muncul tepat pada waktunya. Macam plot twist yang tiba-tiba tapi sedap hati.

They didn’t fix me.

They didn’t save me.

But they reminded me that not everything in this world is out to get me. Some things are actually… okay. Shockingly okay.

Maybe that’s how Allah shows mercy, bukan dengan buang semua drama, tapi dengan bagi sedikit ketenangan dan kebaikan kecil bila saya paling perlukan. Quiet days. Warm hugs. Smiles that felt like tiny answered prayers. Even when I was like, apa benda pulak ni aku kena hadap sekarang? There were signs that Allah still had my back. (Matacheee ya Allah.)

Sometimes, mercy came in silence. A chance to just breathe, scroll webtoon tanpa rasa guilty, or sit with my overthinking brain tanpa kena panik. Sometimes, it came disguised as hardships jugak. Pain, heartbreak, disappointment, basically life testing my stamina. Tapi somehow it made me stronger in ways I didn’t see at first.

Allah’s mercy isn’t always comfy. Sometimes it’s the secret lesson hiding behind the chaos. And somehow, He gave me courage to come back to myself. To try again. To choose myself. To hug myself and whisper, you are enough, okay? Even when I felt broken, I kept moving, slowly, quietly, like a ninja… but clumsier and more dramatic.

So I end this year with a heart that is still healing. Still fragile. Still messy. But also ridiculously grateful. For the kindness of strangers and friends. For the tiny mercies I almost missed. For Allah, who never left me, even when I wanted to scream, throw a tantrum, or dramatically quit life. And somehow, that is enough for now. Enough to step into 2026 with messy hope, slightly chaotic faith, and a sprinkle of “okay, we got this… maybe.” 🤍

That’s my review of 2025.

Thank you, 2025.

Annyeonghaseyo, 2026.

Let’s see what nonsense, blessings, and little miracles you bring.

Kind regards, from a tired human,

Nadiera Hashim

11:30 p.m

Kedah, Malaysia.

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Life’s been kind of a mess lately.

I don’t even know where to start. Everything feels heavy. Some days, it feels like the only way to stop feeling like a failure is to just stop feeling altogether. That thought has been sitting in my chest more often than I’d like to admit.

My hormones are completely out of whack. I’ve tried so many supplements, but nothing seems to work. And it’s showing—especially on my skin. My face is full of acne and scars. Painful ones. Small, stubborn breakouts that keep attacking my jawline, my chin, my forehead… like they’re never going to stop. I hate my skin. I hate how it makes me feel—like I’m constantly trapped in this body that doesn’t even feel like mine anymore.

And then there’s everything else.

Kaklong said she wants to move to a new house somewhere in Kampung Jalan Panchor Kulim. She plans to rent a place there. I don't want follow her. I mean I cannot be with her. But at Kedai she asked me either I will follow her or not. So... Maybe I’ll follow her. I mean, if I don’t, how else am I going to help her with Kedai, right? But sumpah lah, I don't want to live with her and her children anymore.

But honestly… I’ve been feeling so annoyed with her lately. One thing about my sister is she can be really self-absorbed. It’s like everything has to be about her, her stories, her struggles, her achievements. And in arguments, she always flips it to make herself look good and me feel like shit. She never apologizes, never admits when she’s wrong. It’s exhausting. I feel like I’m losing myself around her.

One more thing, I honestly don’t really care if she wants to be in a relationship. Itu pilihan dia. But Ya Allah, she keeps changing men like it’s nothing. I don’t even know if I should call them a “partner” or just random men to keep her from feeling bored.

What really annoyed me was when I tried so hard untuk ringankan beban dia. I helped her pagi-pagi buta dekat dapur, to prepare nasi lemak. But instead of focusing, she spent that time busy messaging those men.

Sumpah, it annoyed me so much. It was like 24/7 messaging and calling them at work, at home, even during breakfast. Lama-lama, rasa meluat gila.

Part of me wants to run away. I don’t even want to work with her anymore. That’s when everything started to spiral. I’ve been trying to look for a new job searching on Facebook groups, asking around. But nothing. No leads. No idea what’s next. What am I even doing with my life?

And then I start comparing myself with others, my friends, my batchmates. They’re achieving things. Moving forward. Living. And me? I feel stuck. So, so far behind. Too far to catch up.

That’s when the thoughts creep in again, that maybe if I just disappeared, maybe if it all just stopped, I wouldn’t have to feel this failure anymore. I wouldn’t have to keep pretending. I wouldn’t have to keep hurting.

I know this post is messy. It’s not inspirational. It’s not pretty. But it’s honest. And maybe that’s all I have to offer right now.

Signing out,

Still here. Still hurting. Still breathing.

But yeah… feeling like shit.

Nadiera Hashim

5:30 pm

Kedah, Malaysia.

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Last Wednesday was one of those days that felt like a warm hug from the past. A rare and much-needed catch-up with my best friend Najihah. We’ve been inseparable since high school, macam kacang dalam pod. But as we grew older, life decided to do its thing and take us on different paths. Work, responsibilities, adulting in general, all busy stuff. Tapi somehow, we always make sure to meet at least once a month. Our little promise to pause the chaos and just hang out together.

Whenever we meet, it’s like dumping a whole month of tea, problems, funny stories, and random updates all at once. Nothing is off-limits. It’s raw, real, and full of laughter, and sometimes, okay fine, even a few tears slip in. That’s the beauty of our friendship, honestly.

For this month’s meet-up, we kept things super simple and dekat rumah je. We went to Kulim Central, which honestly is just around the corner from where we live. But honestly, it’s not always about the destination. The company is what really matters, and I swear, good company can make even the tiniest mamak feel like a five-star experience.

We kicked off our little date with lunch at Myeondong Tteokbokki. Najihah was craving their Seondubu Jjigae like crazy and of course I had to be the supportive best friend. Honestly, I’m not really a huge fan of Korean food. It’s just not my thing. But seeing Najihah so excited made it all worth it. I ended up with a simple chicken porridge and we sat down to eat, spilling all the stories from the past few weeks. The laughter, the side glances, the "remember that one time" moments, it honestly felt like high school all over again.

After lunch, we went to Llaollao because apparently, froyo is more important than solving world problems. I got pistachio yogurt with white granola and Chips Ahoy, and I swear, I felt something magical in my mouth. We shared a medium tube because sharing is caring, or maybe because I didn’t want to be judged for eating it all alone. Every bite was like, “Yes, life is good. Stop asking questions.”

But the highlight of the day? Definitely watching Blood Brother at the cinema. Let me just say this, it was worth every cent. I initially bought the tickets because, well… Syafiq Kyle. Enough said, right? But the movie turned out to be more than just good looks on screen. The plot twist had us gasping and clutching our seats, it was that intense. I haven’t felt that invested in a movie in a long time. It brought back memories of the last time we watched a movie together, Highland Tower, back in our high school days. Crazy how time flies.

Before heading home, we made a quick stop at CU Mart to grab some snacks because why not? We weren’t done talking, obviously. More stories, more emotional unloading, more laughter. As our little hangout came to an end, we grabbed some Ai Cha for our families, a small gesture that wrapped up the day on a sweet note.

Spending time with Najihah is always grounding. In the middle of our busy lives, it's moments like these that remind me of the importance of friendship, the kind that stays strong no matter how many years pass or how many things change. Just two best friends, a simple day out, and hearts a little lighter by the end of it.

Here’s to many more spontaneous meet-ups, deep conversations, and of course, more pistachio Llaollao.

Lots of love,
Nadiera Hashim
1:15 p.m.
Kedah, Malaysia.

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