nadiera hashim

I don’t really know what’s wrong with me these days.

Everything feels… off. Macam ada something tak kena, but I can’t name it. I wake up tired, I go through the day half-asleep, and even the smallest things feel so heavy. I don’t feel like doing anything. Tak ada energy. Tak ada rasa. Even going to work feels like I’m dragging a body that isn’t mine.

Sometimes I wonder, am I sick? Or is this something else?

It’s not just tired. It’s deeper than that. It’s like there’s this quiet weight sitting on my chest, macam pressing, slowly, patiently and making it hard to breathe properly. My heart feels… crowded. Sesak. And I don’t know how to let it out.

The frustrating part is, I’ve been here before.

That same feeling. The one that makes everything go dull and loud at the same time. The one that makes your chest ache so much you just want to escape it by any way possible. Dulu, I remember how desperate I was… sampai I needed to distract the pain somewhere else, somewhere physical. Buat luka baru dekat badan just so my mind could stop focusing on what was breaking inside.

And that scares me.

Because I thought I left that version of me behind. But here I am again, feeling the echoes of it. Eactly the same, familiar enough to make my chest tighten. Familiar enough to make me wonder if I’m slowly falling back into something I worked so hard to climb out of.

It’s strange, kan? How you can be okay for so long, and then suddenly… you’re not.

And the worst part?

I don’t even know what I need.

Do I need rest? Dah rest, tapi masih rasa tak cukup. Do I need to talk to someone? I talk to Naji a lot, but something feels not enough. Do I need to pray? I do pray, minta Tuhan mudahkan, hilangkan rasa yang entah apa-apa ni, tapi masih tak hilang. Do I need to be alone? Semua rasa macam tak cukup, or maybe terlalu banyak at the same time.

So I sit with it.

Confused. Tired. A little scared. Keep nangis, sampai air mata pun dah tak ada. But maybe… maybe this time, I want to run from it the way I used to. Sebab masih takut. Masih confused.

I keep remind myself that I’ve survived it before, but will I survive this too? I feel so lost now.

I hope, I will still be here.

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Assalamualaikum, everyone. 21 July 2026 is a date I think I will remember for a very long time, sebab on that day, we finally said it out loud. It started very simple. A, one of my friends at work, yang from the beginning suka panggil aku “kakak gangster” just because the way I walk katanya macam gangster sikit. Which honestly… rude, but okay maybe a tiny bit true. From strangers, we became friends, and then slowly, without realising it, we became that kind of friends. The ones who text every single day and call setiap malam, even when we don’t have anything important to talk about. Entah apa yang diborakkan pun tak tahu, but somehow it was always enough.

He was always there for me, and somewhere along the way, I realised I was always there for him too. And that’s when things started to feel different. It began as a joke. I called him “sayang,” and he called me “sayang” back. Simple, playful… but it lingered. When I found out he had broken up with his girlfriend, I thought maybe I should try my luck. Try the market sikit lah, mana tahu kan. But at the same time, I was insecure. In my head, it kept playing, “Know you got a small girl fantasy, baby would you still love me?” because I’m more like big laugh, big voice, big personality. Full package… but still overthinking everything.

Day by day, we got closer. I always teman dia makan, and one day he said, “Ingat kita ni ajak teman makan saja-saja ka, mesti la sebab nak kawan.” That sentence… felt heavier than it should. I remember blushing, wondering if there was something more behind it. Then one night, while I was on a WhatsApp call with him as he rode his motorbike home, I finally asked the question that had been sitting in my chest for so long. “Kita ni sebenarnya apa eh?” Because we were too close to just be friends, but too undefined to be anything else. And his answer? “Taktahu lah… tapi everytime hang rapat dengan lelaki lain aku jealous.” That should’ve been my answer already, but still… we continued like that. Teman tapi mesra. Comforting, but confusing.

Until 20 July 2026. As usual, we were on call, talking nonsense, even invited Ainun into the call just to gossip. Then randomly, I asked, “Ainun sayang akak tak?” She said yes. And I replied, “Akak pun sayang Ainun… A pun akak sayang.” And suddenly… everything went quiet. And the funniest part? I fell asleep right after that. Yes... confessed, and then tidur. They thought I was sulking, but I woke up because A kept calling me. When I answered, he asked, “Merajuk ka?” and I said, “Tak lah, tertidur.” Then he paused before asking, “Tadi masa kata sayang tu serious ka?”

This time, I didn’t joke. I didn’t run. I just said, “Yes, I’m serious.” And just like that, we confessed. No dramatic scene, no big moment. Just two people being honest at the same time. He told me he had started to have feelings for me too, and we talked the whole night until I didn’t sleep at all even though I had work the next morning. Still… it felt worth it.

After that night, we both made a quiet promise to not let anyone at work know about us. I respect his request, because maybe it has something to do with his past, maybe because his ex also came from the same workplace, and maybe he just didn’t want people talking or thinking badly about us. So we agreed, without much debate, that whatever this is… it will stay between us. And just like that, our relationship became something soft and hidden. A secret we both carry carefully, like it’s too fragile for the outside world.

Maybe this is what people call cinta. Not perfect, not planned. Just something that grows quietly until one day you realise it’s already there. So A, I really appreciate your feelings. Let’s hope we can go through this dengan aman damai, less confusion, more clarity. And maybe one day, we won’t have to ask “kita ni apa eh” anymore… because we’ll already know.

Love,

Nadiera Hashim
5.08 a.m
Kedah, Malaysia.

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Assalamualaikum, hi. Some days, being human feels very fragile. Macam kaca nipis, still standing, but one minor inconvenience away from crying in the bathroom. We wake up, pakai senyuman, buat macam biasa, tapi dalam hati ada benda yang kita sendiri pun tak faham. Adulting katanya, tapi kenapa rasa macam exam yang tak pernah habis?

Being human is exhausting. Kita belajar tahan, belajar diam, belajar telan perasaan sendiri sambil cakap, “Takpe, nanti okay.” Padahal kita sendiri tak sure bila nanti tu. And honestly, sometimes all we need is someone to say, “I see you. You are doing enough. You did your best today. Pergi rehat.”

So we survive on borrowed strength. On kind sentences we hear once and replay a hundred times in our head, macam lagu sedih yang kita sendiri pilih untuk dengar. On soft words we give to others, hoping some of it accidently bounce back to us. Kalau boleh auto-return, lagi bagus.

Look at you… jadi therapist orang lain,

using the words you secretly wish

someone would say to you.

Sometimes saya sendiri pelik. How can I give advice macam saya ni pakar kehidupan, sedangkan hidup saya pun tengah buffering. Saya boleh tenang-tenang bagi kata semangat, bagi solution, bagi hope, padahal pengalaman tu bukan pun saya yang lalui. Words just flow keluar, macam saya dah rehearse benda ni lama sangat. It's just like I’ve practiced this speech in my head so many times, but only in my imagination.

Every time someone is hurting, I hear myself saying, "It's okay to cry," “It's okay to not be strong for today,” “Don’t give up,” “I’m proud of you,” “This too shall pass.” And every time, ada suara kecil dalam hati yang cakap, eh hello, ini ayat untuk aku sebenarnya. Those are the exact words I crave bila saya sendiri penat, lost, and tired of acting like “yeah I’m fine” is a personality.

Funny thing is, advice yang saya bagi orang… selalunya itulah advice yang saya paling susah nak ikut. Macam saya jadi motivational speaker untuk orang lain, tapi bila turn diri sendiri, err… nanti dulu. Still, encouraging others makes me feel like maybe, just maybe, I’m not as hopeless as my overthinking brain says.

Bila saya dengar cerita orang lain, suddenly mind saya jadi clear. Masalah saya yang berserabut tu sekejap macam mute. Fokus dekat luka orang lain somehow buat saya lupa luka sendiri. It reminds me kita semua sebenarnya cuma manusia yang perlukan words of reassurance. And sometimes, kita sendiri yang kena jadi suara tu. Even if it feels a bit fake at first.

By listening and giving comfort, saya mula nampak hidup saya dari angle lain. Strength yang saya nampak dalam orang lain, rupanya ada juga dalam diri saya. Hope yang saya bagi, sebenarnya saya pun simpan sikit untuk diri sendiri, hidden reserve, just in case. Healing orang lain slowly heals me too. Ironi, kan?

I always wonder why it’s easier to believe in others than to believe in myself. Maybe sebab kita ni memang terlalu jahat dengan diri sendiri. Kita jadi strict teacher untuk diri sendiri, but soft counsellor untuk orang lain. Double standard? Maybe. Human? Definitely.

These moments teach me one thing: everyone is struggling, cuma version dia lain-lain. And simple words actually have power. The words I give to others are not just for them. Mereka juga reminder untuk saya: saya tak keseorangan, saya kuat, dan saya boleh survive benda ni. Even if hari ni survive pun cukup-cukup makan.

At the end of the day, the advice I give is just a reflection of my own deepest hopes. A quiet wish. A soft prayer. A way of saying, “Please let this be true for me too.” Maybe this is how we keep living. Not by being strong 24/7, but by being gentle especially when we are falling apart quietly. Humans are fragile creatures who need food, sleep, and occasional reassurance that we are not failing at life. A few nice words can keep someone alive for another day. Sometimes, a “you’re doing okay” is stronger than a whole motivational quote poster.

So if you ever catch yourself comforting others with words you wish to hear, please know this: those words are not wasted. They are little love letters you accidentally wrote to yourself. And maybe, slowly, you’ll start believing them too, I'll start believing them too. 🤍

Thank you from a tired but sincere human,

Nadiera Hashim

6:50 a.m

Kedah, Malaysia.

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Hey Siri, play Senyum Gugur di Penghujung Doa… sebab hari ni hati rasa macam soft sangat.

Assalamualaikum, hi. Harini saya pergi ziarah kubur ayah, went there with Abang Haqim and Kak Sya. Kubur ayah sebenarnya dekat je, around 3.7 km dari rumah. Dekat kan? But somehow, it still feels far in a different way. Bukan selalu ada rezeki nak pergi setiap minggu. Nak ke sana kena lalu traffic light, kereta banyak, lori besar-besar… and I’m a scaredy cat. Mother pun sama, dua-dua penakut, so kalau nak pergi kena tunggu abang temankan. Independent… but not that independent 😔

Before this, saya ada bagitahu mother yang saya nak tanam pokok bunga dekat kubur ayah. Pokok lama semua dah mati, banyak sangat yang mati… maybe because no one really comes to water them every day. Kubur lama kan, sunyi sikit. Ada pun orang datang mesin rumput dua minggu sekali je, that’s all. So mother belikan pokok bunga melur versi kecil yang comel sangat, I like it. It felt like bringing a small piece of life to a place that holds so much silence. Tiga hari lepas terus set “appointment” dengan abang nak ziarah ayah hari ni. Yes, appointment… sebab abang saya punya busy kalah YB Kulim 🥲 Alhamdulillah, Allah izinkan kami ziarah hari ni.

Saya memang tak berapa gemar ziarah pagi raya sebab kerja dia banyak. Kena bersihkan kubur, cabut rumput mati, tanam pokok… semua tu makan masa dan berpeluh satu badan. Raya nanti better datang dengan hati ringan je, just to sit, make doa, and be present for a while. No rushing, no heavy work. Just… quiet love.

Masa tengah gali lubang untuk tanam pokok melur tu, saya sempat borak dengan ayah, “kenapa lah ayah meninggal awal sangat… kalau tak boleh je kebumi ayah dekat atas bukit taman rumah je.” Ayah meninggal bulan 7, tahun 2006. Masa tu taman rumah saya belum ada tanah perkuburan lagi, so siapa meninggal akan dikebumikan dekat Masjid Kulim atau Tanah Perkuburan Islam Sungai Ular, and yes… ayah dekat Sungai Ular. Not too far, but not as near as I wish he could be.

Dalam tengah kami bertiga “borak” dengan ayah, tiba-tiba terkeluar satu ayat yang buat kami tergelak kecil, “kalau ayah ada, mesti ayah boleh tolong marahkan anak-anak ayah yang lain… kami yang adik-adik ni asyik kena fitnah je…” It sounded funny, but also… a little bit painful. Entah ayah dengar ke tak, entah ayah kisah ke tak pasal hal dunia kami yang messy ni. But that’s how we cope, I think. Anak-anak yang dah tak ada mak ayah, kita bercakap je macam mereka masih ada. Like they’re still listening. Like if we talk long enough, maybe… just maybe… they’ll answer in a way only the heart can understand.

Ayah, doa kami tak pernah putus untuk ayah, every single day. In small whispers, in random moments, in between busy days… you are always there in our prayers.

Saya ni bukan jenis mudah menangis bila rindu ayah. Maybe sebab saya hilang ayah masa saya terlalu kecil, maybe betul orang kata masa akan ubatkan. But healing doesn’t mean forgetting, right? Sometimes… ada hari yang saya terlalu penat, terlalu down, and on those days I don’t need anything fancy. I just need a hug from a father I barely remember.

Luar nampak okay, boleh buat lawak bodoh, gelak kuat-kuat, act silly like nothing ever hurts. But deep down, there’s this quiet space that only you can fill. Saya rindu suara yang saya dah lupa macam mana bunyinya, rindu bau yang saya dah tak ingat, rindu wajah yang makin kabur dalam ingatan. And that scares me sometimes… the idea that memories can slowly fade, even when the love never does.

Kalau korek betul-betul dalam hati ni, rindu tu sebenarnya ada, banyak… cuma saya pandai sorok je. I carry it quietly. Softly. Like something fragile.

Ayah, I hope you’re okay there. I hope every zikir yang saya kirim sampai pada ayah, jadi teman ayah di sana. I hope you feel loved, even from a distance that I cannot cross yet. I hope ayah happy, maybe showing off dekat “kawan-kawan” di sana, “ni semua zikir ni anak bongsu aku bagi.” Silly kan… but it comforts me more than it should.

And maybe one day, when it’s finally my turn to go… I won’t feel so scared. Because I know, somewhere beyond this world, there’s a familiar soul waiting.

I hope one day, ayah, mama, saya dan adik-beradik semua boleh jumpa semula somewhere better, somewhere eternal. A place where nothing hurts, nothing is lost, and no one has to say goodbye ever again. Dekat syurga Allah, insyaAllah. Until then… I’ll keep sending love, in the only way I know how. Quietly, consistently, and with all my heart.

Al-Fatihah untuk ayah saya,
Hashim bin Mohamed Idris 🤍

Signing off with a full heart and teary eyes…
Some loves don’t end, they just learn how to live quietly in doa.
Nadiera Hashim
11:28 a.m
Kedah, Malaysia.

P/s: I found gambar ni lepas balik dari kubur tadi. Comel! Tapi sayang, gambar mama takda huhu.

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Assalamualaikum! Dah seminggu dah puasa. So far I really enjoy my puasa walaupun Kedah cuaca macam boleh goreng telur atas jalan raya. Baru-baru ni, ada satu ceramah dari Ustaz Wadi Anuar lalu dekat timeline TikTok saya. Tak tahu ceramah tarikh bila, maybe dah lama but baru saja lalu di timeline saya. Biasalah, bulan Ramadan ni alhamdulillah memang banyak free upgrade iman bila scroll TikTok, sekali scroll, dapat tazkirah. 😌

One of the ceramah, Ustaz mentioned yang doa anak kepada mak ayah especially yang dah meninggal dunia ni, bila kita langitkan, dia direct delivery sampai dekat mereka. Contohnya bila kita baca:

رَّبِّ اغْفِرْلِي وَلِوَالِدَيَّ وَارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيراً

"Ya Allah, Ampunilah dosaku dan dosa kedua orang tuaku.

Kasihanilah keduanya sebagaimana mereka mengasihi aku sewaktu masih kecil."

Kita baca untuk mak ayah pukul 6.30 pagi lepas Subuh, pukul 6.30 pagi tu jugalah doa tu sampai dekat mak ayah kita dalam kubur. No buffering, no pending, terus sampai 🥺 Ustaz kata, ada riwayat yang setiap kali anak baca doa ni untuk arwah parents, akan ada malaikat yang datang hantar “hadiah” (iaitu doa kita) kepada mak ayah dekat sana.

For a few seconds, I was like… wow. Betapa baiknya Allah. He's sooooo kind. Tak delay walau sesaat pun. Just a simple doa, a short one that takes only a few seconds to recite tapi boleh bagi ketenangan dekat mak ayah kita yang dah pergi. Can you imagine how happy they must feel bila dapat hadiah tu?

And it made me think about my arwah ayah. Now setiap kali lepas solat fardhu atau sunat, bila saya baca doa ni, I imagine ada “parcel” sampai untuk ayah dekat sana. Bukan dari Shopee, but from anak bongsu dia yang kadang-kadang ni pun still tengah belajar jadi better person. I hope setiap doa tu jadi peneman untuk ayah, tambah lapang kubur dia, tambah terang kubur dia, and remind him that he is still loved, still remembered, every single day.

Honestly, saya pun baru belajar, hafal dan start amalkan doa ni beberapa tahun lepas. Tak macam orang lain yang dah hafal dari tadika lagi. Rasanya ternampak dekat media sosial once, lepas tu terus commit hafal. Better late than never, kan? 🫣

Semoga Allah terima setiap doa kecil kita ni sebagai amal yang besar di sisi-Nya. Alhamdulillah for a religion that teaches us that even after death, love can still be delivered through doa. Moga Allah ampunkan dosa mak ayah kita, lapangkan kubur mereka, dan tempatkan mereka dalam kalangan orang yang beriman. Amin 🤍

Yang sedang makan moreh,

Nadiera Hashim

11.20 p.m

Kedah, Malaysia.

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Assalamualaikum and hi everyone! Selamat menyambut bulan Ramadan! Alhamdulillah, this year Allah has given me another chance to fast bersama mother. I’m genuinely excited for this Ramadan. Tak tahu kenapa, but in my heart, I’ve already made a firm intention to not miss tahajud throughout this month. Pssst… period saya datang early, so maybe I can complete a full month of fasting without any break hihi.

This Ramadan feels mostly the same. It’s still me, mother, and abang Hafiz. The same trio. But it’s okay. I hope even when I grow older, I can continue fasting with mother and abang. Growing up, the lively chaos of sahur has faded. Dulu, I could hear the clattering of mother preparing food for sahur while abang-abang lain sibuk kejut everyone to wake up. Now, mother cooks sahur meals at night, by 9 pm everything is ready so mornings are calmer. She’s getting older, probably more tired. And we don’t need to make noise to wake up. Everyone can get up on their own. Not in the mood to eat? Just drink water and have some Nestum.

I can’t help but smile remembering the old days though, when sahur was full of chaos. Abang-abang running around shouting “bangun, bangun!” while mother yelled back “jangan lambat bangun, nanti tak sempat sahur!” 😆 Sometimes everyone was so sleepy we’d spill water or tertumpahkan sambal ikan bilis atas meja. It was noisy, messy, but somehow full of laughter. Now it’s calm, peaceful, maybe too quiet sometimes but I guess that’s part of growing up.

Even so, I feel so blessed to still have family to share sahur and buka puasa with. Some of my friends and even strangers break their fast alone without anyone to accompany them. I pray they don’t feel too lonely or sad during this Ramadan.

Ramadan always reminds me of the little things we sometimes take for granted like the smell of mother’s cooking, the sound of the adhan in the morning, or even just sitting together at the table eating dates and drinking water for iftar. There’s a simple kind of happiness in these moments. It’s peaceful yet full of gratitude.

Semoga Ramadan ini membawa keberkatan dalam hidup kita semua. May we gather as much amal kebaikan as possible and make the most out of this holy month. Let’s cherish every sahur, every buka puasa, every prayer, and every quiet moment. Salam Ramadan 2026! 🌙✨

Stay blessed, stay full of faith,

Nadiera Hashim

4.45 a.m

Kedah, Malaysia.

1 comments

Assalamualaikum, hi. This story is about how one cup of free Milo traumatised me for life. If you think childhood trauma must involve bullying or family issues, no. Mine involved a lori Milo and a lying Bahasa Melayu teacher. I think I was in Darjah 5 or 6, honestly I don’t remember. My memory card masa tu very limited storage. But one thing I will never forget, the day lori Milo datang sekolah.

Lori Milo datang sekolah is like Hari Raya for students. Free Milo weh. Even if only one cup, it still taste like kemenangan. Until today, I still cannot understand why Milo from lori Milo always taste better than Milo bancuh sendiri at home. Same powder, same water, but different level of happiness.

Milo is everyone’s favourite. Me too. Pergi mana-mana mesti order Milo ais. Kalau rasa kaya sikit, order Milo dinosaur. Kalau rasa miskin sikit, order Milo panas and pretend it’s fine. So back to the story.

That day, lori Milo datang sekolah masa subjek Bahasa Melayu. I don’t remember the teacher’s name. She was already old, not cikgu muda with glowing skin and Pinterest vibes. This cikgu liked to cerita random things. Suddenly, she started cerita pasal Milo ada cacing.

Yes. Cacing.

She said her daughter was studying something about food science. Her daughter went to Milo factory, did experiment on Milo powder, and found out Milo powder got worms. While she was telling this horror story, I could see students outside already lining up to get Milo. Some even ambil second cup. Third cup maybe.

Then cikgu ended her story with:

“Eeee… hampa nak pi minum jugak ka…”

With that disgusted face like we were about to drink ayaq longkang. Me and my classmates? Too young. Too innocent. Too bodoh. We believed her 100%. Almost the whole class stayed seated. Including me. Only two or three brave students went to get Milo. Now when I think back, I realise…

Cikgu kami bukan warning.

Cikgu kami membongak.

I swear, mesti after class ended, she probably went to drink Milo too. Maybe even Milo dinosaur.

Now every time I see lori Milo, I feel sedikit ada beef with that cikgu. What made it worse is back then, Milo was such a luxury drink for me. My family tak kaya. Milo was not daily drink. It was special drink. So when lori Milo datang sekolah, students like me really felt the happiness. It was not just Milo. It was moment.

So when I realised years later that her story was fake, I felt cheated emotionally. Spiritually. Milo-ly. Back then, so many stupid food rumours. Not only Milo ada cacing. People said sardine sauce used katak as thickener. I used to geli nak makan sambal sardine. All because teachers and classmates liked to add horror flavour into food stories.

Now we are older. Dunia dah maju. Internet dekat tangan. No one can fool us with “my friend’s cousin’s lecturer's grandfather said…” stories anymore. I have my own money. I can buy Milo anytime I want. Milo ais, Milo dinosaur, Milo peng, Milo with extra Milo, Milo with no shame. No one can scare me with stories about worms, frogs, or secret factory experiments anymore. I have Google now. I have common sense. I have trauma immunity.

But sometimes, when I hold my Milo cup, I still think about that small version of me. Sitting quietly in class. Being obedient. Being stupid in a very innocent way. Believing every adult like they were Wikipedia. And honestly… that kid was cute. She didn’t drink Milo that day, but she learned something more important:

Not all cikgu are right.

Not all rumours are true.

And free Milo is very precious. Now when I see kids lining up for free drinks at school events, I smile like an aunty. In my heart I whisper:

“Pergi ambil. Jangan percaya sesiapa. Hidup ni singkat.”

Forever judging that cikgu silently,

Nadiera Hashim

8:30 pm

Kedah, Malaysia.

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Life’s been kind of a mess lately.

I don’t even know where to start. Everything feels heavy. Some days, it feels like the only way to stop feeling like a failure is to just stop feeling altogether. That thought has been sitting in my chest more often than I’d like to admit.

My hormones are completely out of whack. I’ve tried so many supplements, but nothing seems to work. And it’s showing—especially on my skin. My face is full of acne and scars. Painful ones. Small, stubborn breakouts that keep attacking my jawline, my chin, my forehead… like they’re never going to stop. I hate my skin. I hate how it makes me feel—like I’m constantly trapped in this body that doesn’t even feel like mine anymore.

And then there’s everything else.

Kaklong said she wants to move to a new house somewhere in Kampung Jalan Panchor Kulim. She plans to rent a place there. I don't want follow her. I mean I cannot be with her. But at Kedai she asked me either I will follow her or not. So... Maybe I’ll follow her. I mean, if I don’t, how else am I going to help her with Kedai, right? But sumpah lah, I don't want to live with her and her children anymore.

But honestly… I’ve been feeling so annoyed with her lately. One thing about my sister is she can be really self-absorbed. It’s like everything has to be about her, her stories, her struggles, her achievements. And in arguments, she always flips it to make herself look good and me feel like shit. She never apologizes, never admits when she’s wrong. It’s exhausting. I feel like I’m losing myself around her.

Part of me wants to run away. I don’t even want to work with her anymore. That’s when everything started to spiral. I’ve been trying to look for a new job searching on Facebook groups, asking around. But nothing. No leads. No idea what’s next. What am I even doing with my life?

And then I start comparing myself with others, my friends, my batchmates. They’re achieving things. Moving forward. Living. And me? I feel stuck. So, so far behind. Too far to catch up.

That’s when the thoughts creep in again, that maybe if I just disappeared, maybe if it all just stopped, I wouldn’t have to feel this failure anymore. I wouldn’t have to keep pretending. I wouldn’t have to keep hurting.

I know this post is messy. It’s not inspirational. It’s not pretty. But it’s honest. And maybe that’s all I have to offer right now.

Signing out,

Still here. Still hurting. Still breathing.

But yeah… feeling like shit.

Nadiera Hashim

5:30 pm

Kedah, Malaysia.

No comments

Last Wednesday was one of those days that felt like a warm hug from the past. A rare and much-needed catch-up with my best friend Najihah. We’ve been inseparable since high school, macam kacang dalam pod. But as we grew older, life decided to do its thing and take us on different paths. Work, responsibilities, adulting in general, all busy stuff. Tapi somehow, we always make sure to meet at least once a month. Our little promise to pause the chaos and just hang out together.

Whenever we meet, it’s like dumping a whole month of tea, problems, funny stories, and random updates all at once. Nothing is off-limits. It’s raw, real, and full of laughter, and sometimes, okay fine, even a few tears slip in. That’s the beauty of our friendship, honestly.

For this month’s meet-up, we kept things super simple and dekat rumah je. We went to Kulim Central, which honestly is just around the corner from where we live. But honestly, it’s not always about the destination. The company is what really matters, and I swear, good company can make even the tiniest mamak feel like a five-star experience.

We kicked off our little date with lunch at Myeondong Tteokbokki. Najihah was craving their Seondubu Jjigae like crazy and of course I had to be the supportive best friend. Honestly, I’m not really a huge fan of Korean food. It’s just not my thing. But seeing Najihah so excited made it all worth it. I ended up with a simple chicken porridge and we sat down to eat, spilling all the stories from the past few weeks. The laughter, the side glances, the "remember that one time" moments, it honestly felt like high school all over again.

After lunch, we went to Llaollao because apparently, froyo is more important than solving world problems. I got pistachio yogurt with white granola and Chips Ahoy, and I swear, I felt something magical in my mouth. We shared a medium tube because sharing is caring, or maybe because I didn’t want to be judged for eating it all alone. Every bite was like, “Yes, life is good. Stop asking questions.”

But the highlight of the day? Definitely watching Blood Brother at the cinema. Let me just say this, it was worth every cent. I initially bought the tickets because, well… Syafiq Kyle. Enough said, right? But the movie turned out to be more than just good looks on screen. The plot twist had us gasping and clutching our seats, it was that intense. I haven’t felt that invested in a movie in a long time. It brought back memories of the last time we watched a movie together, Highland Tower, back in our high school days. Crazy how time flies.

Before heading home, we made a quick stop at CU Mart to grab some snacks because why not? We weren’t done talking, obviously. More stories, more emotional unloading, more laughter. As our little hangout came to an end, we grabbed some Ai Cha for our families, a small gesture that wrapped up the day on a sweet note.

Spending time with Najihah is always grounding. In the middle of our busy lives, it's moments like these that remind me of the importance of friendship, the kind that stays strong no matter how many years pass or how many things change. Just two best friends, a simple day out, and hearts a little lighter by the end of it.

Here’s to many more spontaneous meet-ups, deep conversations, and of course, more pistachio Llaollao.

Lots of love,
Nadiera Hashim
1:15 p.m.
Kedah, Malaysia.

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Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. Growing up, I lived with a lot of silence. I am the youngest in my family, the bongsu, so from a young age I learned that talking too much or sharing my thoughts was seen as kurang ajar. In my world, speaking up was not welcomed. So I stayed quiet. I kept everything inside, afraid of what people might say. Slowly, I lost my voice, covered by silence and self-doubt.

Since I was young, I learned an unspoken rule at home: speaking up means melawan. So I pushed my feelings away and kept my thoughts to myself. I was scared of being rejected or scolded if I spoke honestly. Heh, of course I pernah suarakan my own thoughts, but maybe its sounded rude, so i got penampar from my older brother. Since that day, silence became my shield. Bila diam, jauhkan diri dari semua orang, I felt safe.

As I grew older, the silence became heavier. I saw others speak confidently, sharing their opinions without fear, while I stayed in the background, trying not to be noticed. Fear of judgment made me stay quiet. I felt invisible in a world that only listens to people who speak.

Because of this silence, I struggled a lot. I found it hard to build deep connections with people. I felt stuck in a cycle of insecurity and passivity. Many chances passed me by because I didn’t believe in myself enough to try. My silence slowly became a wall between me and my own happiness.

Silence also makes it hard for me to let my emotions out. I’m not good at telling people how I feel. I’m used to simpan semuanya sendiri. Even when I’m hurting, I stay quiet and deal with everything alone. Sometimes it feels like nobody wants to listen to me anyway, so I choose not to talk. I used to send a message to my older siblings, telling them about my problems, but they end up blaming me. After that day, I just stopped texting them. In the family group chat, I became the quiet one, only replying bila benda tu penting.

That’s when I realized something, the loudest scream is the one that no one hears. What we see or hear from someone does not always show their real struggle. The deepest pain is often hidden in silence, where silence speaks the loudest. Maybe that’s the reason I talk a lot when I’m with my safe person. With them, I feel safe enough to be myself. I just hope I don’t annoy them, haha.

It’s unfortunate , I mastered the art of being silent even when there’s a lot to be said.

Wishing you bright stars and moon,

Nadiera Hashim

10:30pm

Kedah, Malaysia.

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Last year, on this date marked the beginning of a remarkable journey for me as I welcomed two furry companions into my life: Boba and Cengkih. As fate would have it, these two adorable felines, siblings bound by a shared lineage, became an integral part of my daily existence.

Boba, with his sleek tuxedo coat, and Cengkih, adorned in a vibrant orange merigold, captured my heart from the moment I laid eyes on them. It was through a fortuitous encounter on a Facebook group that I first learned of their existence. The owner, burdened by caring for six cats, sought to find them loving homes. Without hesitation, I knew Boba and Cengkih were meant to be mine.

The decision to adopt Boba and Cengkih is not just a spontaneous desire but rather the culmination of a deep desire to provide a nurturing environment for furry companions. Having never embarked on a fully indoor pet ownership journey before, I was both excited and anxious about what lay ahead.

Cengkih, the gentle soul of the duo, embodies tranquility and grace in every aspect of his being. His soft meows, reminiscent of whispers in the wind, serve as gentle reminders of his presence. With a habitual liking for peaceful slumber, Cengkih finds solace in the warmth of shared beds, seeking comfort alongside me and mama. Despite my best efforts to engage him with toys, Cengkih remains indifferent, preferring the simplicity of quiet companionship over silly play. I can say Cengkih is very manja with me and mama but he hates hugging people but loves belly rub so much.

In stark contrast, Boba emerges as the mischievous counterpart, a whirlwind of energy and mischief. His boisterous meows echo through the house, a testament to his spirited nature and unyielding zest for life. Boba's insatiable curiosity often leads him astray, forever seeking new adventures beyond the confines of home. He once keluar senyap-senyap and went to lepak at my neighbour house. Yet, beneath his bravado lies a timid heart, easily startled by the unknown and quick to seek refuge in familiar surroundings. Well both Boba and Cengkih are coward. Despite his bold manner, Boba's loyalty remains unwavering, his love evident in his desire to remain by my side and that of mama. He loves hugging me!

Together, Cengkih and Boba form a dynamic duo, united by their shared love for me and mama. Their fearful towards my other siblings speaks volumes of their unwavering loyalty, as they seek comfort in the familiarity of my presence.

Cengkih and Boba embody the beauty of individuality within the bonds of companionship. Through their distinct personalities and quirks, they remind me of the depth of connection that exists between humans and their beloved feline friends. In their presence, I find solace, laughter, and unconditional love, forging memories that will be cherished for a lifetime.

The past year has been a journey of mutual growth and companionship, marked by moments of laughter, warmth, and unconditional love. Boba and Cengkih have taught me the true meaning of responsibility and compassion, reminding me of the profound impact that animals can have on our lives. In their presence, I have found solace amidst life's uncertainties, their unwavering companionship serving as a source of strength and comfort. Whether curled up beside me on the bed or playfully chasing after each other, Boba and Cengkih have become more than just pets; they are cherished members of my family.

Looking ahead, I am filled with gratitude for the opportunity to share my life with these two extraordinary beings. As we embark on another year together, I am eager to continue nurturing our bond and creating lasting memories that will be treasured for years to come.

The adoption of Boba and Cengkih has been a transformative experience, enriching my life in ways I could have never imagined. Through their presence, I have discovered the true meaning of love, companionship, and the profound connection that exists between humans and animals. Boba and Cengkih may have entered my life as two strangers, but they have since become irreplaceable pillars of my existence, forever etched in the fabric of my heart. I hope they both will be healthy always and live longer by my side. I once read, throughout our life, we may adopt many cats, however throughout their life, they only have us. Till then.

Are you still reading this?,
Nadiera Hashim
2:45pm
Kedah, Malaysia.

Ps: I wrote this blog post on May 30, but i forgot to publish it. Oh stupid tuwentyfaif years old lady.

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Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. I hope you are doing well. Have you watched Disney Tangled? A story about a girl named Rapunzel with long golden hair trapped by her evil 'mother' in the highest tower until she meets a man named Flynn Rider. When she is caged in the tower, she wonders, "When will my life begin?" She even has a song about it, a good one. I still remember the first time Tangled came out at the cinema in 3D, my kakak and abang took me to watch the movie with them. It is my all time favorite Disney movie.

Have you ever felt the same as Rapunzel? You sit and ponder, "When will my life begin?"

You exist, obviously, but you are not truly living.

Do you get what I mean?

I wake up in the morning, scroll through my phone, take a bath, go to work or wherever, and then I come back home, take a bath again, scroll through my phone again until I fall asleep. And it repeats, over and over again.

I feel like Rapunzel, trapped in the highest tower by her cruel mother, forced to do the same things repeatedly. Except, in this situation, I am both Mother Gothel and Rapunzel.

Being a Rapunzel, I know there is life out there, something I long to see, but something within me is too afraid to venture out. Too afraid to discover if there is happiness on the other side of the road. Too afraid to break free from the routine that is so boring but in some twisted way feels comfortable. Or maybe too afraid to realize that all this time, I’ve been spending my youth unhappily, wasting it on something so mundane.

You see, sometimes, without even realizing it, we become like Mother Gothel, caging ourselves in. We know we’re not “exactly” happy.

We keep lying to ourselves, saying "this is enough for me." but is it really?

I already have the answer in my heart.

Sometimes we try to protect ourselves too much, even from happiness. We rob ourselves of the potential happiness we could have. We feel content with just feeling “plain” every day.

What can we do then? I think the Rapunzel and Mother Gothel within us need a Flynn Rider, someone unafraid to take risks, to venture out into the world we long for, recklessly.

Till then.

Like a unicorn, I'm off to spread magic elsewhere,
Nadiera Hashim
8:30pm
Kedah, Malaysia.

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Assalamualaikum and hi.

Ramadan Kareem to all Muslim! I hope you're in a pink of health, bestowed under His blessing and mercy. To everyone who have the chance to be with your whole family, be grateful and don't forget to count your blessings. Because some people don't get that. Have you tried eating kurma with unsalted butter? I haven't yet. I have a block of anchor pure butter dalam fridge but abang forgot to buy kurma madu yuta yesterday 🙄.

Today is our first day of fasting. I told mama if possible I want to have just a simple meal for our sahur this year. Since I was little, mama has been diligent cooking lots of lauk pauk for me and my siblings. You name it. Rendang, sambal udang, sambal ayam, sambal ikan, nasi tomato, mi goreng, kueyteow goreng, masak lemak cili api, masak tempoyak, ayam kicap, gulai ikan, gulai ayam dan macam-macam lagi lah. But year after year, mama is getting older. Her energy isn't the same as it is now. So I told her to not to push herself to cook fancy fancy for me and abang Hafiz. Kita makan apa yang ada, cukup.

A reminder, Malaysian waste over 19,228 tonnes of food daily during Ramadan and the number annually increases. So lets practice moderation and sustainability. Buy only what you really need and don't forget to bring your own containers or bags.

This year only me, mama and abang Hafiz will sahur together. Just us. My other brothers and sister are everywhere all around Malaysia. Keeping them in my prayer each time, safe and sound. Sedih sebenarnya. We are getting older. My brothers and sister have their own family now. I remember how chaotic our house was with voices every morning during sahur. Ada yang busy waking up other siblings yang liat bangun sahur and busy help mama prepare food in the kitchen. I miss those moments so much. But it's okay, that's life.

One of the things I want to work on this ramadan is Tawakkul. I've battled anxiety about the future since I was a small girl and words can't express the feeling of relief it is to surrender and release my worries to Allah and put my faith into Him and trust His plan. Since past few days before ramadan, I started learn and memorize Allah names and meanings. I want to try reflect on each Ayahs and read seerah and also try my best to make lots of Duaa during this ramadan.

Alright, I guess that's that for now. Off i go. Selamat berpuasa again my dear readers. Semoga amal ibadah kita sepanjang this ramadan diterima Allah.

Hugs through cyberspace,

Nadiera Hashim

6:46am

Kedah, Malaysia.

p/s editor note: I had nasi putih panas with daging dendeng (mother masak!), and a huge mug of green tea cold brew without sugar! It was good. Dendeng is my favorite dish by the way.

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