I don’t really know what’s wrong with me these days.

Everything feels… off. Macam ada something tak kena, but I can’t name it. I wake up tired, I go through the day half-asleep, and even the smallest things feel so heavy. I don’t feel like doing anything. Tak ada energy. Tak ada rasa. Even going to work feels like I’m dragging a body that isn’t mine.

Sometimes I wonder, am I sick? Or is this something else?

It’s not just tired. It’s deeper than that. It’s like there’s this quiet weight sitting on my chest, macam pressing, slowly, patiently and making it hard to breathe properly. My heart feels… crowded. Sesak. And I don’t know how to let it out.

The frustrating part is, I’ve been here before.

That same feeling. The one that makes everything go dull and loud at the same time. The one that makes your chest ache so much you just want to escape it by any way possible. Dulu, I remember how desperate I was… sampai I needed to distract the pain somewhere else, somewhere physical. Buat luka baru dekat badan just so my mind could stop focusing on what was breaking inside.

And that scares me.

Because I thought I left that version of me behind. But here I am again, feeling the echoes of it. Eactly the same, familiar enough to make my chest tighten. Familiar enough to make me wonder if I’m slowly falling back into something I worked so hard to climb out of.

It’s strange, kan? How you can be okay for so long, and then suddenly… you’re not. 

And the worst part?

I don’t even know what I need.

Do I need rest? Dah rest, tapi masih rasa tak cukup. Do I need to talk to someone? I talk to Naji a lot, but something feels not enough. Do I need to pray? I do pray, minta Tuhan mudahkan, hilangkan rasa yang entah apa-apa ni, tapi masih tak hilang. Do I need to be alone? Semua rasa macam tak cukup, or maybe terlalu banyak at the same time.

So I sit with it.

Confused. Tired. A little scared. Keep nangis, sampai air mata pun dah tak ada. But maybe… maybe this time, I want to run from it the way I used to. Sebab masih takut. Masih confused. 

I keep remind myself that I’ve survived it before, but will I survive this too? I feel so lost now. 

I hope, I will still be here. 

Assalamualaikum, everyone. 21 July 2026 is a date I think I will remember for a very long time, sebab on that day, we finally said it out loud. It started very simple. A, one of my friends at work, yang from the beginning suka panggil aku “kakak gangster” just because the way I walk katanya macam gangster sikit. Which honestly… rude, but okay maybe a tiny bit true. From strangers, we became friends, and then slowly, without realising it, we became that kind of friends. The ones who text every single day and call setiap malam, even when we don’t have anything important to talk about. Entah apa yang diborakkan pun tak tahu, but somehow it was always enough.

He was always there for me, and somewhere along the way, I realised I was always there for him too. And that’s when things started to feel different. It began as a joke. I called him “sayang,” and he called me “sayang” back. Simple, playful… but it lingered. When I found out he had broken up with his girlfriend, I thought maybe I should try my luck. Try the market sikit lah, mana tahu kan. But at the same time, I was insecure. In my head, it kept playing, “Know you got a small girl fantasy, baby would you still love me?” because I’m more like big laugh, big voice, big personality. Full package… but still overthinking everything.

Day by day, we got closer. I always teman dia makan, and one day he said, “Ingat kita ni ajak teman makan saja-saja ka, mesti la sebab nak kawan.” That sentence… felt heavier than it should. I remember blushing, wondering if there was something more behind it. Then one night, while I was on a WhatsApp call with him as he rode his motorbike home, I finally asked the question that had been sitting in my chest for so long. “Kita ni sebenarnya apa eh?” Because we were too close to just be friends, but too undefined to be anything else. And his answer? “Taktahu lah… tapi everytime hang rapat dengan lelaki lain aku jealous.” That should’ve been my answer already, but still… we continued like that. Teman tapi mesra. Comforting, but confusing.

Until 20 July 2026. As usual, we were on call, talking nonsense, even invited Ainun into the call just to gossip. Then randomly, I asked, “Ainun sayang akak tak?” She said yes. And I replied, “Akak pun sayang Ainun… A pun akak sayang.” And suddenly… everything went quiet. And the funniest part? I fell asleep right after that. Yes... confessed, and then tidur. They thought I was sulking, but I woke up because A kept calling me. When I answered, he asked, “Merajuk ka?” and I said, “Tak lah, tertidur.” Then he paused before asking, “Tadi masa kata sayang tu serious ka?”

This time, I didn’t joke. I didn’t run. I just said, “Yes, I’m serious.” And just like that, we confessed. No dramatic scene, no big moment. Just two people being honest at the same time. He told me he had started to have feelings for me too, and we talked the whole night until I didn’t sleep at all even though I had work the next morning. Still… it felt worth it.

After that night, we both made a quiet promise to not let anyone at work know about us. I respect his request, because maybe it has something to do with his past, maybe because his ex also came from the same workplace, and maybe he just didn’t want people talking or thinking badly about us. So we agreed, without much debate, that whatever this is… it will stay between us. And just like that, our relationship became something soft and hidden. A secret we both carry carefully, like it’s too fragile for the outside world.

Maybe this is what people call cinta. Not perfect, not planned. Just something that grows quietly until one day you realise it’s already there. So A, I really appreciate your feelings. Let’s hope we can go through this dengan aman damai, less confusion, more clarity. And maybe one day, we won’t have to ask “kita ni apa eh” anymore… because we’ll already know.

Love, 

Nadiera Hashim
5.08 a.m
Kedah, Malaysia. 

Hey Siri, play Senyum Gugur di Penghujung Doa… sebab hari ni hati rasa macam soft sangat.

Assalamualaikum, hi. Harini saya pergi ziarah kubur ayah, went there with Abang Haqim and Kak Sya. Kubur ayah sebenarnya dekat je, around 3.7 km dari rumah. Dekat kan? But somehow, it still feels far in a different way. Bukan selalu ada rezeki nak pergi setiap minggu. Nak ke sana kena lalu traffic light, kereta banyak, lori besar-besar… and I’m a scaredy cat. Mother pun sama, dua-dua penakut, so kalau nak pergi kena tunggu abang temankan. Independent… but not that independent 😔

Before this, saya ada bagitahu mother yang saya nak tanam pokok bunga dekat kubur ayah. Pokok lama semua dah mati, banyak sangat yang mati… maybe because no one really comes to water them every day. Kubur lama kan, sunyi sikit. Ada pun orang datang mesin rumput dua minggu sekali je, that’s all. So mother belikan pokok bunga melur versi kecil yang comel sangat, I like it. It felt like bringing a small piece of life to a place that holds so much silence. Tiga hari lepas terus set “appointment” dengan abang nak ziarah ayah hari ni. Yes, appointment… sebab abang saya punya busy kalah YB Kulim 🥲 Alhamdulillah, Allah izinkan kami ziarah hari ni.

Saya memang tak berapa gemar ziarah pagi raya sebab kerja dia banyak. Kena bersihkan kubur, cabut rumput mati, tanam pokok… semua tu makan masa dan berpeluh satu badan. Raya nanti better datang dengan hati ringan je, just to sit, make doa, and be present for a while. No rushing, no heavy work. Just… quiet love.

Masa tengah gali lubang untuk tanam pokok melur tu, saya sempat borak dengan ayah, “kenapa lah ayah meninggal awal sangat… kalau tak boleh je kebumi ayah dekat atas bukit taman rumah je.” Ayah meninggal bulan 7, tahun 2006. Masa tu taman rumah saya belum ada tanah perkuburan lagi, so siapa meninggal akan dikebumikan dekat Masjid Kulim atau Tanah Perkuburan Islam Sungai Ular, and yes… ayah dekat Sungai Ular. Not too far, but not as near as I wish he could be.

Dalam tengah kami bertiga “borak” dengan ayah, tiba-tiba terkeluar satu ayat yang buat kami tergelak kecil, “kalau ayah ada, mesti ayah boleh tolong marahkan anak-anak ayah yang lain… kami yang adik-adik ni asyik kena fitnah je…” It sounded funny, but also… a little bit painful. Entah ayah dengar ke tak, entah ayah kisah ke tak pasal hal dunia kami yang messy ni. But that’s how we cope, I think. Anak-anak yang dah tak ada mak ayah, kita bercakap je macam mereka masih ada. Like they’re still listening. Like if we talk long enough, maybe… just maybe… they’ll answer in a way only the heart can understand.

Ayah, doa kami tak pernah putus untuk ayah, every single day. In small whispers, in random moments, in between busy days… you are always there in our prayers.

Saya ni bukan jenis mudah menangis bila rindu ayah. Maybe sebab saya hilang ayah masa saya terlalu kecil, maybe betul orang kata masa akan ubatkan. But healing doesn’t mean forgetting, right? Sometimes… ada hari yang saya terlalu penat, terlalu down, and on those days I don’t need anything fancy. I just need a hug from a father I barely remember.

Luar nampak okay, boleh buat lawak bodoh, gelak kuat-kuat, act silly like nothing ever hurts. But deep down, there’s this quiet space that only you can fill. Saya rindu suara yang saya dah lupa macam mana bunyinya, rindu bau yang saya dah tak ingat, rindu wajah yang makin kabur dalam ingatan. And that scares me sometimes… the idea that memories can slowly fade, even when the love never does.

Kalau korek betul-betul dalam hati ni, rindu tu sebenarnya ada, banyak… cuma saya pandai sorok je. I carry it quietly. Softly. Like something fragile.

Ayah, I hope you’re okay there. I hope every zikir yang saya kirim sampai pada ayah, jadi teman ayah di sana. I hope you feel loved, even from a distance that I cannot cross yet. I hope ayah happy, maybe showing off dekat “kawan-kawan” di sana, “ni semua zikir ni anak bongsu aku bagi.” Silly kan… but it comforts me more than it should.

And maybe one day, when it’s finally my turn to go… I won’t feel so scared. Because I know, somewhere beyond this world, there’s a familiar soul waiting.

I hope one day, ayah, mama, saya dan adik-beradik semua boleh jumpa semula somewhere better, somewhere eternal. A place where nothing hurts, nothing is lost, and no one has to say goodbye ever again. Dekat syurga Allah, insyaAllah. Until then… I’ll keep sending love, in the only way I know how. Quietly, consistently, and with all my heart.

Al-Fatihah untuk ayah saya,
Hashim bin Mohamed Idris 🤍

Signing off with a full heart and teary eyes…
Some loves don’t end, they just learn how to live quietly in doa.
Nadiera Hashim
11:28 a.m
Kedah, Malaysia.

P/s: I found gambar ni lepas balik dari kubur tadi. Comel! Tapi sayang, gambar mama takda huhu.