I feel off.

I don’t really know what’s wrong with me these days.

Everything feels… off. Macam ada something tak kena, but I can’t name it. I wake up tired, I go through the day half-asleep, and even the smallest things feel so heavy. I don’t feel like doing anything. Tak ada energy. Tak ada rasa. Even going to work feels like I’m dragging a body that isn’t mine.

Sometimes I wonder, am I sick? Or is this something else?

It’s not just tired. It’s deeper than that. It’s like there’s this quiet weight sitting on my chest, macam pressing, slowly, patiently and making it hard to breathe properly. My heart feels… crowded. Sesak. And I don’t know how to let it out.

The frustrating part is, I’ve been here before.

That same feeling. The one that makes everything go dull and loud at the same time. The one that makes your chest ache so much you just want to escape it by any way possible. Dulu, I remember how desperate I was… sampai I needed to distract the pain somewhere else, somewhere physical. Buat luka baru dekat badan just so my mind could stop focusing on what was breaking inside.

And that scares me.

Because I thought I left that version of me behind. But here I am again, feeling the echoes of it. Eactly the same, familiar enough to make my chest tighten. Familiar enough to make me wonder if I’m slowly falling back into something I worked so hard to climb out of.

It’s strange, kan? How you can be okay for so long, and then suddenly… you’re not. 

And the worst part?

I don’t even know what I need.

Do I need rest? Dah rest, tapi masih rasa tak cukup. Do I need to talk to someone? I talk to Naji a lot, but something feels not enough. Do I need to pray? I do pray, minta Tuhan mudahkan, hilangkan rasa yang entah apa-apa ni, tapi masih tak hilang. Do I need to be alone? Semua rasa macam tak cukup, or maybe terlalu banyak at the same time.

So I sit with it.

Confused. Tired. A little scared. Keep nangis, sampai air mata pun dah tak ada. But maybe… maybe this time, I want to run from it the way I used to. Sebab masih takut. Masih confused. 

I keep remind myself that I’ve survived it before, but will I survive this too? I feel so lost now. 

I hope, I will still be here.