Assalamualaikum. Lately, there’s been a heavy feeling lingering in my chest—a fear I’ve known all too well, one I wish I could shake off, but it keeps following me.

Earlier this year, I lost two little souls that meant the world to me—my cats, Boba and Cengkih. They weren’t just pets. They were my companions, my source of comfort, and part of my daily life. I remember how much I loved them, how much I feared losing them even while they were still here. Every time they went missing for a few hours, my heart would sink. I would imagine the worst, terrified they might run away and never come home.

But the real pain came when I lost them both to parvo. It was sudden, cruel, and left a scar in my heart that hasn’t healed. That fear I once had—of losing them—it became real. And it haunts me until today. Sometimes, I find myself crying, wishing I could hug them again, feel their warmth, kiss their tiny heads, and hear their purring. But that day will never come. They’re gone, and I am left with memories—both beautiful and painful.

And now, that fear has taken a new form.

I am scared of losing my mom.

Our relationship hasn’t always been smooth. We’ve had our clashes, our misunderstandings, our silences. But no matter how bad things got, she’s always been there when I needed her the most. Quietly, patiently, and without asking anything in return. Her love is the kind that doesn’t need to be spoken to be felt.

I’m not ready to lose her. I haven’t become anything yet. I haven’t done enough. I haven’t given back even a fraction of what she’s given me. I want to. I really do. I want to see her happy. I want to spoil her, care for her, be the reason she smiles. I want to repay her in any way I can, even though I know I never truly can—because a mother’s love is unconditional, priceless, infinite.

So I pray.

I pray that Allah gives me time—more time with her. I pray that He keeps her healthy, strong, and by my side. I pray that I become someone she can be proud of. And until that day comes, I hope I never take a moment with her for granted.

Because I’ve learned…

The fear of losing someone you love never really goes away.

But loving them fully, while you still can—maybe that’s how we make peace with it.

Sincerely, 
Nadiera Hashim
12:33 a.m.
Kedah.