Assalamualaikum, hi. Lately, my mind has been such a mess. Everything feels tangled, noisy, and painful. I don’t even know how to describe it anymore. It just hurts, like really, really hurts.

Someone I trusted, someone I loved, backstabbed me. She talked bad about me behind my back, twisted stories, played victim, and made everyone believe her version. I can’t lie, it broke me. It shattered something deep inside me.

I used to pray for her. Every single day, without fail. I’d always ask Allah to protect her, to bless her, to make her happy. But ever since the day she hurt me, there’s nothing nice left in my doa for her. Only anger. Only pain. Only bad doa that I wish I never had to say.

Hating someone feels so tiring. But I really, really hate her. I hate what she did, I hate how she made me feel stupid, I hate how she pretended to care while stabbing me quietly. I hate it all. How can manusia boleh bertalam dua muka.

I spent so many nights crying to the point my chest actually hurt. Like physically hurt. I remember lying there, alone in my room, with tears soaking my pillow, whispering to Allah, “Kau balas lah semua yang dia buat dekat aku. Buat lah dia sakit sebagaimana aku sakit.” Because I had no strength left. Because I didn’t know what else to do.

It’s such a dark feeling full of hatred, anger, betrayal. And it eats me alive. I keep telling myself to berdamai with takdir, to accept that maybe this is just how it’s meant to be. Mungkin ada hikmah. But it’s not easy. It’s never easy.

This journey... it’s been so hard. Some days, I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I miss the old me, the one who laughed easily, who prayed for everyone sincerely, who carried light in her heart.

Now everything just feels heavy. My heart, my thoughts, my soul. And all I want... is to find peace again. I want to be me again.

Still bleeding, still breathing,
Nadiera Hashim
3:49 a.m. 
Kedah, Malaysia.